Author Topic: Getting neighbour to read NMMNG  (Read 637 times)

Takeshi Kovacs

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Getting neighbour to read NMMNG
« on: July 12, 2015, 02:23:04 PM »
Have a neighbour who is clearly struggling with Nice Guy issues, covert contracts in his dealings with children his ex and I believe at work. None of my business of course but I think he'd benefit from reading NMMNG. Not a close friend but we get along well and respect each other and have known his current wife for many years. Any recommendations for broaching the topic gracefully?
The past is just data, I only see the future... -Ayrton Senna

Mitch K

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Re: Getting neighbour to read NMMNG
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2015, 04:37:38 PM »
Not much. My best offer would be on the lines of "Hey, have you read this? I found it really thought-provoking. What do you think?"

I think Brian will have some much cleverer way: which is why he's the coach!

Brian

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Re: Getting neighbour to read NMMNG
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2015, 01:41:27 PM »
Making a suggestion like this is all about building a little bit of rapport first.  If you make a book suggestion cold, it will be more likely to be met with defensiveness.

So the real trick is to be direct, but in the right context.

Invite him out or over for coffee, a drink, a game, barbecue.  Talk about the neighborhood or some common interest.  And watch deliberately for signs of rapport.  When people are in a state of trust they match one another's body language.  Once that happens, you can broach the topic somewhat like this.

I find as a good rule of thumb that if I am not in a professional situation, that I need at least a half hour of positive conversation before I am ready to give advice.  Once you are ready, maintaining rapport means making sue the other person sees similarity between you in the recommendation.  You can do that by talking about and relating your troubles.

"Hey, I've noticed that you've been have been really frustrated with your kids lately. I've been there myself."

Being your neighbour he probably doesn't need you to give him any serious backup, but if you can share a story about yourself similar to something you have seen with his kids, that can be really valuable.

If he breaks rapport completely, change the topic, you are not going to get anywhere with him.  This usually is pretty apparent with a sudden change of body language - he sits back, gets a stiff back, and most men will fold their arms akimbo across their chest.  If he stays mostly in rapport, the next step is to check to see if he is open to help.

"If you are interested, I've got a book I can recommend that gave me some great insight and helped me change the way I deal with my kids."

This puts the ball in his court.  You are offering help and giving him a chance to say "yes", rather than foisting it upon him.  If he chooses to say yes, he will be way more likely to follow through with reading it and trying the exercises out.

Be sure the conversation does not end on the topic of the book, by the way.  If you can then shift back to something else rapport-building and focused on his interests, it will make him far more comfortable taking advice from you.

There is actually an amazing book on the power of reading and then recommending books out there:  Love is the Killer App by Tim Sanders.  Mr. Sanders has been a bit of a god in the Silicon Valley business world for the last fifteen years or so, because he is an excellent leader.  He is also one of the definitive writers on how to be likable, make people want to follow your lead, and how to position yourself as a business leader. I think his books would be a good fir for you in general,too.
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Mitch K

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Re: Getting neighbour to read NMMNG
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2015, 04:32:13 PM »
Brian, that's really insightful, not just in this situation but in a general sense. Great stuff.

Saigo Takamori

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Re: Getting neighbour to read NMMNG
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2015, 07:56:19 PM »
Ba Bam  Brian!
Sweat more  Bitch less

Takeshi Kovacs

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Re: Getting neighbour to read NMMNG
« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2015, 09:43:30 AM »
Thanks Brian, this is solid generally applicable advice.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I've added it to my reading queue.
The past is just data, I only see the future... -Ayrton Senna